Just Breathe..

And just like that..he broke my heart.

As i read the things he wrote..it was like each time he was laughing in my face…and the thought of the lies he fed me, almost rips me apart. You know that feeling when you have this big lump stuck in the back of your throat? I cant even believe the things that he is saying.

What makes it worse is…all i can think now is - so those 2 years…they were just a lie? i cant even think about it too much, because that would just mean my life, my love, everything i gave and did for him…meant nothing. It would mean i was nothing to him and that hurts even more then knowing he’s been sexing with everyone else.

I just want to cry. I want to yell at him. I want him to understand how hurt i am - not because he had sex, but more that he lied to me. I want to scream, what the fuck did i do to deserve this after everything ive done for you? I want to make him feel how i feel right at this moment. But you know what? He wont ever feel what i feel, because he thinks girls like me are weak, that we are insecure and that its all about having fun, not about commitment. He wont ever feel pain, loss or anything like that because he is the one provides the pain, never the one who feels it.

Time for me to cry it out.

I’ve gained back 7kgs out of the 15kgs i lost. I have no - one to blame but myself. Gah - all my hard work….gone to waste. Need to snap out of this ASAP!!!

I have no one to tell this too…so I might as well blurt it out on here. My guy - the one I was in love with for 3 years…the one where I have secret access to his email (which he has no idea about) is so desperate to have sex - he’s willing to hook up with randoms off craigslist. The funny thing is - he has a right to do whatever he wants, and I shouldnt even have access to his emails, but I do and what I read hurts my heart.

See, I left last year…I had no choice my visa ran out…I know you (cyberspace) may think I am naive…buti know he loved me the years I was there….when I left, I was the one who said “look I wont be naive, we live a million miles away from each other - it wont work, we can stay friends.” But of course everyone knows I lied. I still loved him and hoped he would still love me back. And he did - but its slowly fading now. its been a year.

Its not even the fact that he wants to have sex. It’s the fact that from the beginning I always told him - “Even if it hurts me, I want you to tell the truth, because it will hurt so much more finding out from someone else.” And he promised he would. But he hasnt. And I found out another way (which again, he doesnt know about.)

With boys its so hard. They say its just sex. But that doesnt help me in anyway. Him having sex means he no longer cares about my feelings, which means he no longer loves me. And its not his fault. In my head I know he’s far away, I know guys have needs. I cant even believe he managed to last this long. I know I need to move on. But I cant and its killing me inside.

Mentally, physically…I’m exhausted from loving him and getting hurt by things he doesnt know I know about. I cant talk to anyone about it, because no one knows about my relationship with him when I was gone. I’m tired of laying awake at night thinking if he’s out having sex right now, or wanting to check his email every 10 mins to see if he’s replied to yet another craigslist ad for “NSA.”

I’m tired of not being able to pull myself out of this hole and actually believe myself when I say….”I deserve better…I deserve someone who gives a shit.”